


the ineffable channel

by angryjane



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Adam Young Ships Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Anathema Device Ships Aziraphale/Crowley, Antichrist Adam Young (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Bad at Being an Angel (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Mess (Good Omens), Banter, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley is So Done (Good Omens), Crowley is Whipped (Good Omens), Dialogue Heavy, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Internet Famous, M/M, Memes, Minor Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Social Media, Softie Crowley (Good Omens), This Is STUPID, This is a garbage fire, YouTube, aziraphale doesnt because, or at least, this whole thing is a shitpost, what else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-12 23:02:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 12,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20164060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angryjane/pseuds/angryjane
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley + the Internet. That's it.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> vjskcmakcmskcmdkamvkemsmvmslcmvkamcmfkamcmfkamcmsx  
k so: history lesson! when I was hyperfixating on vld, I wrote a chat fic. I'm almost done writing my Twitter fic for my other hyperfixation, spiderman. so, without further ado: a funkily formatted crack fic for !y NEW hyperfixation, Good Omens!!!! yay!!!! 
> 
> idk how long it'll be, but keep ur eyes peeled!!!
> 
> [EDIT 2020-06-11: marked as finished, but i might come back and add more once i rewatch the show. not sure lmao]

In the sixth century, a little drunk off bad wine and even worse company, Aziraphale invented the Gregorian Calendar. Quite a bit after that, completely sober and in a pickle, he invented paper currency.

(“I don’t have that much gold on me... Perhaps an IOU? No? Er...” A bit of head-scratching from the angel, then: “This piece of paper here, it’s worth more gold than you could imagine...”)

Entirely by accident and to his immense regret, Aziraphale invented gunpowder—Crowley took the piss about it for centuries afterwards, saying it was work fit for a demon. (They'd told the authorities up- and downstairs that it was Crowley who invented it, after all. It’d be a nightmare if the truth came out.)

Point being: Aziraphale, through no fault of his own, really...well. Good with technology, he was.

And now—now comes this. Now comes this new thing, which Aziraphale is entirely helpless to understand.

“But what does it mean, Crowley?”

The demon sighed, throwing his legs up onto his desk. “Angel, I am not explaining it again.”

“But I still don’t get it!” He whined, flopping across Crowley’s lap. He knew it wasn’t proper, but he found he didn’t care; maybe the demon was rubbing off on him after all.

“That sounds like a you problem, love.”

“But you’re my boyfriend, for heaven’s sakes, Crowley, all my problems are you problems.”

Crowley raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “I am not,” He repeated, emphasizing his words with a jiggle of his knees, knocking the angel around, “Going to explain a meme to you for the third time in an hour.”

\-------------------------

Nestled against Crowley’s naked hip, Aziraphale was contemplative. He raked a hand gently down his demon’s thigh, feeling the goosebumps rise under his fingers. He was still panting, and Crowley smelled of sweat and sin. He dug his nose deeper into his skin and hummed, “What does ‘hoe’ mean?”

“The tool?”

“No, no, just... well. The other day, I was doing some research, you see, into young adult literature. And in this American novel I encountered, the antagonist kept calling the protagonist a hoe, like it was an insult. I do not understand—what's wrong with gardening?”

With a chuckle, the demon ran a hand through Aziraphale’s curls. “Darling, don’t worry about it.”

“But I want to understand!” He was indignant at Crowley’s obvious amusement at his strife.

“Oh, angel, you really,” He gave him a look over his nose, “Don’t.”

Aziraphale dragged himself from his comfortable spot and heaved himself up towards his boyfriend’s face. “Tell me,” It was a whine, really, and Aziraphale was proud of it: it was a good whine, a perfect balance of love and need and askance.

Crowley watched him a moment, then rolled his eyes, throwing his head back into the pillows. “You know what it means, angel? It means,” A pointed look,

“Someone who’s...” Slow smile, borderline smirk, “...promiscuous.”

Aziraphale furrowed his brow. “But why hoe?”

The demon shrugged: “Someone to be used, like a tool, I suppose. Although, I don’t much see why promiscuity is something to be ashamed of.”

“Me neither.” Aziraphale graced him with a blinding smile. “In that case, Crowley, I’m your hoe.”

Crowley choked.

\-----------------------

“iPhone...” The word tasted foreign, mechanical, bitter, robotic— ”I don’t think I like it.”

“It doesn’t matter if you like it; you need a cellphone.”

“But why? I have a landline.”

“Landlines are going extinct, angel, and besides, now I can contact you anytime.”

“But we’re almost always in the same place-”

“But if we’re not, I can call you and annoy you whenever I want!”

“.... That does sound lovely.”

“Ha!”

\-------------------  
“Crowley,” The angel called, glaring as menacingly as he could manage at the mechanism before him, “I can’t get the toaster to work.”

“Just Google it.” The other called from somewhere in his bedroom.

“…Do what to it?”

Crowley sauntered into the kitchen. “You know, Google it. Ask the all-knowing internet. Blue or red?” He held up the thin scarves in either hand.

“The red would look nice with that too, dear. And what do you mean? How do I ask it?”

“Well, you… type it in.”

“Into what?”

“Into the… search thingie. The little rectangle, with the magnifying glass. You know.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know, darling.”

Crowley shrugged. “There ought to be a YouTube video on it. Loads of ‘em.”

“Ah! I have heard of this 'YouTube.’”

“Well, then, go look it up and-“

“I don’t know how to use it, dear. Will you be a doll and teach me? Please, Crowley?”

“….”


	2. The Beginning

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please, Crowley?”

“Not happening.”

“But it looks like so much fun, darling.”

Crowley sent is partner a sideways glare, although it didn’t do much: the demon was wearing his sunglasses, and Aziraphale wasn’t even looking at him. Instead, his gaze was fixated on the laptop in front of him on the old table.

They were in an empty café in central London, and Crowley had spent the last hour and a half explaining YouTube and Google to his angel. It was endearing, really, how his eyes lit up in wonder at every click of the mouse; Crowley may have found himself smiling into his shitty coffee once or twice.

And now, to the demon's horror, Aziraphale wanted to join.

Specifically, he wanted to make them a joint YouTube account. And make videos on it.

With a grimace, Crowley spat back at him again, “Not a chance, Aziraphale.”

And then there they were: the dreaded eyes. And the fucking pout. Christ.

“Please, darling? It would be so delightful, really.”

“… What, theoretically, would these videos be about?”

The barest of grins on the angel’s face—“Oh, you know, everyday life and such!T The book shop, the city, all that nonsense.” 

“Like a vlog?”

“I don’t think I’ve heard the term before.”

“Video log. Vlog.”

“Oh I see! Yes, yes, that! Oh, it'll be wonderful! Please, dear?”

“…No.” Crowley repeated weakly, but he’d already lost and he knew it.

“I guess I’ll just have to do it myself, then-“

“Oh, alright!”

A grin split Aziraphale's face, entirely too smug for its own good. Crowley sighed—he’d regret this.

Call it a demon’s intuition.


	3. Vlog #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sssssso. idk what i'm doing. but here goes nothing lmao

The camera shakes a second on a dark screen, someone’s thumb pressed tight to the glass.

“Angel, you have to move your hands. Just put it down. It will stay on.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, just-” A bit of shuffling, then the hand moves and two men are sitting in frame. One of them, tall and lanky and lean and all those things, is glaring ahead at the audience, arms crossed tightly over a thin chest. The other, entirely the first’s opposite, is beaming at the camera, or, somewhere slightly to the left of the camera. 

“Hello!” He waves, bouncing in his sat. Everything about him is soft. “My name is Aziraphale, and this is my associate Crowley.” The redhead nods beside him with a soft hiss. “I don’t much know, er, how this all works, but Crowley has been helping me.”

“Against my will,” The other mutters, and Aziraphale shoots him a scandalized look. 

“Right, well, for our first video, I thought we should show you my bookshop. I’ve been doing research, you see, watching the videos people put on this YouTube of yours-- very odd things, really, but humans are nothing if not odd, I’ve learned-- and this is a common theme, it seems.

“This is the front parlor, where the customers come in. I don’t like my customers. They always want to buy my things.”

“Yes, angel, that’s what shops are generally _ for _ .” Crowley tells him, sliding up in his chair. “I know _ you _ just like to hoard the books, but sometimes people want to _ buy _ them.”

“Yes, well, I wish they wouldn’t.” He seems genuinely upset about it, pouting and everything. Crowley raises an eyebrow at him; he has snake eyes. Colored contacts, it must be.

“I’m so sorry, dear, but that’s what you got yourself into with this shop.” It sounds somehow both sincere and sarcastic, but Aziraphale doesn’t seem to mind; he smiles at Crowley, standing and walking towards a shelf. 

“Right. This is the parlor, and this is my collection. I deal explicitly in first editions. None of this reprint rubbish. Really, it’s astounding how the quality of books has dropped in the past few millennia-- it’d bring Alexandria to shame! Actually, I have a few things in here I’d managed to spirit away before the burning- call it a miracle, but what was I supposed to do, let them burn? It’d be a sin! How could I, an angel of heaven, let-”

Crowley clears his throat and his counterpart stopped short, blinking rapidly at the camera.

“Sorry. Got carried away. As I was saying, this is the parlor. Here’s my original print Dickens, the Hemingway section--lovely man, that Hemingway-”

“Yessss, ssso, so, lovely.” Crowley crows with a wink at Aziraphale, who pales, then flushes pretty pink an instant later.

“We don’t talk about that, Crowley.” He grumbles, moving to another section of the shop. Crowley just laughs and follows idly behind. “Christie here, and Orwell…” He goes on for a while, blabbering happily. Every so often, Crowley will clear his throat or cough pointedly when Aziraphale goes to say something he supposedly shouldn’t, and the other will look down guiltily before continuing.

“...That’s quite enough, isn’t it! Alright, then, I will see you next time, YouTube-”

“You don’t have to address YouTube, it doesn’t work that way, dear.”

“Then how am I to say goodbye?”

“OYu don’t have to-” The video cuts off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna head on down to the beach today, surf all my girl probs away  
'Cause all I wanna do is cry, ask mother nature why why why  
Listen to the Cramps on my stereo, turn it up as loud as it will go  
Surfin', surfin' the wave  
All the girls are surfin' the wave  
Surfin' the crimson wave today
> 
> [come talk to me on discord!](https://discord.gg/ZfHSuda)


	4. Comments #1

**Jessie** _ @jessiesanderson _

Living for this content

**Annie** _@annie-is-not-okay_

Crowley called aziraphale ANGEL i’m-

**Michael McSheen** _ @mikemcsheenicle _

R they dating?? Haha gay

**Askldfnjgdg** _@lenny-jessica-albertson_

Awwwww this was sweet for a first video…. I love ur dynamic

**Violet** _@hey-voilet-no-fair_

Cant wait for more!!!!

**jonah ** _ @jonahjonahson _

Did anyone else see the snake eyes orrrrrrr 

** Annie** _@annie-is-not-okay_

I saw that too… maybe contacts??? Or an added effect???

** jonah ** _ @jonahjonahson _

Maybe. It’s weird tho

**REBECCA** _@its-not-what-it-looks-like_

What was that shit with “i’m an angel from heaven” before crowley cut him off?????

** Bessie ** _ @andioopsksksksksk _

Yeah what the fuck /was/ that??? 

**REBECCA** _@its-not-what-it-looks-like_

Yeah and he was like ‘i took these books form the library of alexandria before it burmed” like bitch exCUSE ME?!?!

** Bessie** _@andioopsksksksksk_

Maybe they’re playing characters?????

** jonah** _@jonahjonahson_

It’s possible, but they did it so naturally…. Freaky.

**Bicycle Gang Where U At? ** _ @bikeordie _

Lol this was funny. Pretty gay tho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [c'mere](https://discord.gg/zPs2SEK)


	5. Vlog #2

**\------------------------------------------**

** _“Pop Music Reactions Part One”_ **

[The video opens on Crowley sticking a forked tongue out at the camera, glaring. He pulls his eye sockets open, waggles his eyebrows, drags his lips open wide to show sharp teeth. For a moment, his face blurs, and it’s like his eyes glow and his skin dulls and crawls, writhing cheeks and forehead, and then he’s grinning devilishly at the screen.

“Coming, darling.” Aziraphale says from somewhere off-screen, then steps into frame with two steaming cups of tea. He falls into the cushions between Crowley and the arm of the couch, setting the mugs down and handing Crowley a jar of sugar. Without looking, the snake dumps it all into his cup, eyes locked on the angel’s. 

“Oh, you don’t- that’s-” Aziraphale sighs. “You don’t have to do that everytime, you bastard.”

“Gasp!”

“Don’t say gasp-”

“Did you, an angel of heaven, just say a bad word? I’m telling Gabriel.”

“No, please, Crowley, I’m sorry-”

Crowley just laughs, taking a sip of his tea and turning to the camera. “Hello Hellspawn, lovely to see you. Today, my partner and I will be reviewing... “ He shivers nastily, “ _ Pop music _ .” the word is spat out, like it’s poison, a disgusting aftertaste left in its wake, like it burns him to justy think it. 

“Beebop.” Aziraphale agrees, nodding sagely. “Disgusting stuff. I miss Beethoven.”

“Oh, now  _ there _ was a man who knew how to party, if you know what I mean.”

The angel looks startled, eyes wide as he turns to his counterpart. “Did you two…. You know...fraternize?”

“For the last time, angel, stop saying fraternize. It’s weird. We  _ fucked _ , darling.”

Aziraphale cringes.

“It was during an off period, I assure you.”

“Oh, alright then, love.” 

And then he’s humming to himself while Crowley pulls up the playlist and clicks through it. 

“Okay, this one’s called  _ Señorita _ by some asshole named Shawn and this Camila Cabello chick… I’ve heard that name, I think she’s one of ours. Is Shawn yours?”

“Might be. Play it.”

_ “ _ _ I love it when you call me señorita _

_ I wish I could pretend I didn't need ya” _

“Oh, I love the guitar,” Aziraphale coos, leaning into Crowley. “And the lyrics are quite romantic. Remember that time in Spain? When you wore that dress?”

“Of course I remember, angel. YOu looked stunning in that suit… Put Mona Lisa to shame.”

Aziraphale goes scarlet, pushing his face into Crowley’s shoulder as he moves to the next song.

“Hey, I was enjoying that.” 

“Too slow,” The snake shrugs as the next song starts up. 

A piano starts on a back and forth, pitching beat-  _ “I just took a DNA test, turns out, I’m 100% bad bitch-” _

“Oh mood,” Crowley mutters with a grin.

“ _ Why men great til they gotta be great?” _

“Iconic.” He murmurs, the grin widening. “Who is this? I quite like it.” He squints at the screen. “ ‘Lizzo’. Never heard of her…” A few clicks. “Oh, she’s gorgeous.”

Aziraphale sits up a little and leans into the screen. “Oh, she is. That round face, those eyes… Lovely.”

The song comes to an end. A synth, a whistle.

“ _ Eh, Panini-” _

“I don’t like this-” Aziraphale, but he’s cut off as his snake turns the volume up. 

“ _ JUST SAY TO ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME-” _

“Crowley, stop… why is there so much bass…”

And on it went.

_ “And you’d be left in the dust, unless I stuck by ya,  _

_ You’re my sunflower…” _

“Oh, that’s gorgeous… who’s this?”

“Post Malone.”

“Is he ours?”

Crowley snorts. “Well he certainly isn’t  _ ours _ .”

_ “So you're a tough guy _

_ Like it really rough guy _

_ Just can't get enough guy _

_ Chest always so puffed guy _

_ I'm that bad type _

_ Make your mama sad type _

_ Make your girlfriend mad tight _

_ Might seduce your dad type _

_ I'm the bad guy, duh.” _

Aziraphale paled, eying Crowley. “This song is about you, isn’t it.”

Crowley’s grin is proud, almost fatherly: “I know her. She’s a lovely girl, really. I taught her everything she knows.”

Aww, that’s so nice of you-”

“ _ Don’t _ ,” He hisses, “Call me that.”

“What, nice? But you are. you’re so-”

“Don’t, angel-”

“So-”

“I’m warning you-”

“ _ Sweet _ .”

Crowley sighs, slumping back into the couch. “Disgusting.”

“One more, dear.”

_ ”Yeah, I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road-” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [the playlist i based the song choices off of bc i know nothing about pop culture](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZEVXbLRQDuF5jeBp)
> 
> sorry for implying billie eilish is a demon... but she is and it's hot. love that for her.
> 
> [come talk to me! please???](https://discord.gg/uQEjRNa)


	6. Comments #2

\-----------------------------

**claud ** _ @cläáãåudine _

what THe FUCK Was thAT AT THE BEGINNING

**So Now What ** _ @justin-timber-river _

calling it now crowley is most certainly Satan himself

**The Ineffable Channel ** _ @theineffablechannel _

Oh, I'm flattered!

**Blink Once ** _ @weepingangelsssss _

wait but what happened in Spain????

**darlin angel babey ** _ @devilingucci _

_ _ YEAH???? uhhhh What was that about calling Aziraphale more gorgeous than the Mona Lisa????

**darlin angel babey ** _ @devilingucci _

_ _ OH AND CROWLEY IN A DRESS??????  ** _#ineffablehusbands_ **

**Blink Once ** _ @weepingangelsssss _

_ _ ** _#ineffablehusbands_ ** that's a clever tag for it uwu

**headache city ** _ @ibuprofin-not-seratonin _

mmmmmmm love this totally GaY content

**steven ** _ @stevenmceven _

_ _ bro,,,, u looked more gorgeous than the Mona Lisa,,,, bro,,,, let's get married,,,, but in a no homo way,,,,, bro,,,,,

**SLEEPING ON THE BUS ** _ @sleepingonthebus12 _

is no one else gonna say shit about crowley saying he FUCKED BEETHOVEN????? BITCH WHAT????????

**femme© ** _ @lipsticklesbianpussy _

_ _ I KNOW!!!! AMD UHHHHH DUDE BEETHOVEN IS HELLA DEAD????

**Beethoven ** _ @BeethovenVevo _

_ _ rude.

**disco dick ** _ @discoballblowjobs _

_ _ ummmm and then he was like "oh but we were on an off period" ,,,, insinuating they have ON PERIODS ITS CONFIRMED SKA CKAMXNZKA C

**ehhhhhhh ** _ @iveseenworse _

what is this "ours" or "yours" shit

**young THICC thugs ** _ @bootygang666 _

when Crowley says "ours" he means the bottoms and when Aziraphale says "ours" he means tops. thank u for coming to my ted talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me???? https://discord.gg/tsqassK
> 
> love is stored in the pussy. share the love.


	7. Vlog #3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmmmmmm

Elevator music starts up on a black screen, the words “SHOPPING???” appearing in red lettering in center-screen. The black changes to the image of a department store lobby area. A woman is spritzing a young girl with perfume in the background; an old man snores in one chair while his elderly wife looks at purses over his shoulder; a grey-skinned salesman moves zombie-like across the polished tile flooring in a sweating suit, groaning the slightest bit. 

In the foreground: Crowley, draped over a lounge chair, tapping his fingers on one knee impatiently. 

“On with it, angel.” He calls. He is wearing sunglasses and snakeskin boots. It is unclear who is holding the camera; It does not shake. 

“Be patient, Crowley!” And then the sound of a door squeaking patiently on its hinges, and the camera moves towards a dressing room, and the man exiting it: not in his usual pale suit, all creams and eggshell; today he wears a soft blue sweater and black leggings. Arms crossed in front of him, hugging his torso really, caving in on himself, he stands, and glares half-heartedly at his partner. 

“I feel ridiculous.” 

“Just relax, angel. Set your shoulders, there, yes, better. Own it.”

Aziraphale sighs and marches back into the dressing room. 

“Love, wait, come back, you were doing so well-” The door slams shut with a snap from the lawful one; and then slams open with a snap from the unlawful one. “Come and let me see.” Crowley stands, strides over towards the dressing room and peers in. “You look lovely.” 

“No, I don’t.” It sounds petulant, childish. “I’m changing.” 

“Try this one…” The camera cannot see what it is Crowley reaches out to touch, but the door closes again and he falls back into his seat. He drums his nails against one boot, thrown over the other knee, and looks into the camera. His glasses glint in light that is not there, and he cocks his head one way, then the other: observant. To the viewer, it may seem like he’s looking across computer screens, space and time at them, but, of course, no, he cannot, he will not, he would not, that’s preposterous, how would he do that? Why would he do that? And besides, it’s not like you’re anything worth seeing, now is it?   
“Okay, don’t laugh… I feel all wrong in this one.” The camera moves back onto Aziraphale, who’s now in a pastel pink blazer and white trousers, hands playing with the hems.

Crowley says nothing.

“...Dear?” Aziraphale prompts, “Are you alright? You look a little pale. Are you ill?”

“Soft,” Crowley croaks, and the camera focuses on his face, the way he swallows a tad nervously, “You look very soft in this. It suits you.” 

And then Aziraphle’s cheeks darken, pink past his shirt, and he nods silently, before clearing his throat and, “Thank you.”

The video jumps, blurring, sped up, over the next few minutes: Aziraphale in and out of the dressing room, Crowley’s thousand-acre stare into the lense, getting, if anything, more intense by the moment, in this two-speed world, and then stops, slowing both gradually and all at once, on a shot of Crowley standing.

“My turn,” Is all he says, and then there’s that speeding up again, and he disappears in and out of the same dressing room his partner had: his choices are all skinny and black and red and grey and glittering. Aziraphale claps his hands in glee as Crowley struts around the dressing room area, putting on a show, as only thousand-year old beings can, with all the grace of a serpent for the strike.

And then it slows once more, on Aziraphale leaning over the counter to pay, speaking with the clerk in hushed tones. 

“I don’t understand,” He is saying, “I just… swipe it? What do you mean by swipe?”

“Sir, you just put the card in here, and pull it down this way- Not that hard, sir.” the woman looks tired, unbelievably so, bags under her eyes and the air of someone who’s dealt with this shit too long, “Allow me.” 

“I’m not a child,” Aziraphale protests weakly, but hands it over. Crowley, leaning casually against the countertop beside him, shopping bag in hand and hand in pocket, snorts, eliciting a growl from Aziraphale. “Oh, shut it, you old snake.” 

“Yes, dearest.” 

“...Was that sarcasm?”

“Yes, dearest.”

“Was  _ that _ sarcasm?”

“Yes, dearest.”

“...And was  _ that _ -”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how was that??? let me know- drop me a comment! or even better, come join me on [discord!](https://discord.gg/ZfHSuda)
> 
> have a lovely day and i'll see you at the witching hour!
> 
> OH AND ONE MORE THING! what outfits do you imagine them trying on??? why not draw it??? and let me see?? I"D LOVE TO SEE WHAT YALL IMAGINE UP. SERIOUSLY. no pressure tho uwu


	8. Comments #3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,,, can yall let me know how u like this so far? pacing? formatting? etc

**Darkness McFlannigan** _@callmedarkness_

Is it just me or does crowley have a mouth made for pouting

**Noraaaa ** _ @norawantsmore _

It’s not just you

**hildahiggins ** _ @hildahiggins _

_ _ He DOES have a mouth made for pouting

**Darnell** _@crabman_

_ _ really, the man was just made to muse

**Darkness McFlannigan** _@callmedarkness_

_ _ oh u rite u rite 

**BisexualDisasterBitch ** _ @bisexualdisasterbitch _

okayyyyyyyy but Aziraphale looks so soft??? in all those looks????

**Starsandcircles** _@starsandcircles_

_ _ THE SWEATER???? SO SOFT.

**BINCH™** _@rebeccasabrinahenderson_

_ _ Okay but we can’t be sleeping on Crowley’s looks

**BisexualDisasterBitch** _@bisexualdisasterbitch_

_ _ YES. the choker???? the skinny jeans??? the bowtie??? LOOKS

**Lesbianchocolates** _@lesbianchoclates_

_ _ When he had the bowtie?? He and aziraphale were matching bowtie boyfriends??? Im????  ** _#ineffablehusbands_ **

**Starsandcircles** _@starsadncircles_

_ _ my personal fave was the skirt. it just moved so nicely with him

**damnnit ** _ @MissMurica _

_ _ okey but like,,,, he fuckign SAUNTERS. his HIPS. they fucking SWAY LIKE NO ONE’S BUSINESS

**BINCH™** _@rebeccasabrinahenderson_

_ _ OH FAXXXXXX

** WET DOG** _@thewetdogchannel_

_ _ I liked the thighhigh boots Zell was sporting

**darla ** _ @ialwaysthinkaboutyou _

What was that bit where crowley totally lost his cool bc of how soft aziraphale looked,,,,, IM LIVING

**NOHOBRO** _@brosandhoes_

_ _ It was so soft,,,,, so géy,,,, Gae,,,, GAY,,,,, u look so soft bro,,, no homo tho,,, bro,,, dude,,,,  ** _#ineffablehusbands_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwuwuwuwuwuwu
> 
> also, if u have any ideas of videos u'd like to see, i'd love to hear!!!
> 
> and come talk to me [HERE!](https://discord.gg/) i can't wait to get to know you all deeply and intimately :P


	9. Vlog #4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's kinda short but ah well... it's mostly dialogue anyway.

“--Absolutely not, Crowley--”

“Please, love?”

“ _ No. _ ”

“But  _ angel _ -”

“Not today. I told you, today I am talking about,” A gleeful sound, a sigh, bordering on a moan, “ _ books. _ ”

Crowley looks put-off, petulant, and pouts:  _ “Fine _ .”

“Thank you, dear.” Aziraphale turns towards the camera, eyes narrowed in thought. How do I turn it on again?”

“I already turned it on.”

“When did you do that?”

“What, you think I like snapping my fingers for no Satan-blesséd reason? This isn’t a musical, dear.”

“Oh, but how do I do it… you know, mechanically?”

“Why would you do that if you can miracle it?”

“I would like to learn how the humans do it.” 

Crowley looks downright disgusted. “ _ Why?” _

His partner flounders a moment, swallowing and tossing his head side to side with a shrug. “It’s… intriguing.”

Crowley says nothing, but lifts a perfect eyebrow. 

“But,” Aziraphale goes on, “Next time we can… do that.”

Immediately and visibly brightening, Crowley leans towards his partner with a grin. “Thank you, dear.”

The angel gazes back softly, smiling. They’re quiet a moment, and it seems like a silent conversation passes between them, and then Aziraphale claps his hands. “Right then. As I was saying,” There’s a sparkle in his eye, “ _ Books.” _

Crowley rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as he watches Aziraphale rant. 

“--And this one, goodness gracious, holy Gabriel, this is one of my favorites-”

“You’ve said that about the last eight books, Aziraphale.”

He looks put off: “...They’re  _ all _ my favorites though.”

“They can’t all be your favorites, that’s not how favorites work-”

“It is if I say so.”

“Sure thing, doll.”

“As I was saying, this one, holy Gabriel above…. It’s fantastic, absolutely gorgeous, just  _ look  _ at the binding-”

“Did you say ‘holy Gabriel’?” 

Aziraphale shota glare at the other, perturbed at having been interrupted a second time. “Yes, I did, now will you let me get on with it?”

“Well, angel, you and I both know Gabriel is far from holy, anything  _ but _ holy, really. More of a…. Righteous dickwad. A self-absorbed asshole, if you will.”

“Crowley, that is my superior you are talking about-”

“Not anymore, dear. Now your only superior,” A devilish grin, “Is  _ me.” _ A wink.

And then Aziraphale: eyes wide, face flushed, mouth agape-- the camera cuts out on Crowley’s cackling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [be my friend! or else!](https://discord.gg/s6tkncZ)
> 
> have a lovely day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
(no balls, u wont)


	10. Comments #4

  
  


**Vrrrrrrronica** _@veronica-and-betty_

Awww crowley was so soft with aziraphale and let him have what he wanted… sofdt.

**DESQOSTENG** _@take-a-shet_

Wait but who’s gabriel??? Someone they know????

**DESQOSTENG** _@take-a-shet_

_ _ Wait wait wait wait wait

**NOHOBRO** _@brosandhoes_

_ _ u good???

**DESQOSTENG** _@take-a-shet_

_ _ isn't crowley a demon name. 

**NOHOBRO** _@brosandhoes_

_ _ uhhhhhhhhhyeah????

**DESQOSTENG** _@take-a-shet_

ummmm ISNT GABRIEL THE ARCHANGEL????? 

**NOHOBRO** _@brosandhoes_

yeah????

**DESQOSTENG** _@take-a-shet_

_ _ Soooooooo THEY WOULLD HATE EACH OTHER??? LIKE BIBLE SHIT????

**Hunkymonkey** _@hunkymonkey_

_ _ Oh shit oh fuck

**brunchbitch ** _ @brunchbitch _

_ _ what shit are they playing at????

**Bessie** _@andioopsksksksksk_

_ _ it’s like i was saying from the beginning: they’re def doing some kind of characters

**jonah** _@jonahjonahson_

So, maybe crowley is a demon character???? 

**Bessie** _@andioopsksksksksk_

Aziraphale did say “he’s my superior” in referral to gabriel, the archangel, so i guess then that makes him an angel????

**DORKUS** _@dorkusweird-night_

That explains why their vibes are so opposite.

**jonah** _@jonahjonahson_

_ _ wym

**DORKUS** _@dorkusweird-night_

_ _ Like,,, crowley has that bad boy emo vibe and aziraphale is all pure nd shit u know???

**jonah** _@jonahjonahson_

_ _ Oh u rite u rite

**mwhachasayy** _@mwhachasayy_

Yes this is all interesting and all but is no one going to talk about the end???? Hello????

**LEETLESHOPOFHORRORS** _@leetleshopofhorrors_

_ _ I KNOW! That wink??? The only authority u answer to is me??? UHHHHH HELLO???

**angery™** _@smalmadbeans_

_ _ sooooooo …… maybe crowley isnt as much of a bottom as we originally thought?? Mayhaps,,, he’s a top???

**LEETLESHOPOFHORRORS** _@leetleshopofhorrors_

_ _ Maybe a power bottom????

**angery™** _@smalmadbeans_

_ _ Oh u rite…. But i still think he a top.

**LEETLESHOPOFHORRORS** _@leetleshopofhorrors_

_ _ we shall see we shall see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [cuz im a witch, im a bitch, im not gonna die for you](https://discord.gg/eAetgQg)


	11. Vlog #5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be upfront: i've never once in my life worn makeup... i had to look up what order you put it on.... what each thing is... i'm so confused america explain

Crowley gazes into the camera, the epitome of grace and seriousness. “Today is the day,” He is saying, “today is the day all my efforts come to fruition. Today is the day we finally see what could be, what should be, and,” His grin spreads, “What will be. At long, long,  _ long _ last, we’re here: the day of all days. It’s happening. Satan below, it’s finally happening.”

“Stop being a drama queen, you wily old snake.”

“Hush, love. It’s my turn. You had your books, and I’ve this.”

“‘This,’” Aziraphale makes disgusted air quotes with two thick fingers, “Is obnoxious. And I really,” He sighs, “Don’t want to.”

“Too late, angel, you already promised.”

“I never  _ could _ deny you anything. Not even bloody holy water.”

“Which!” Crowley sticks a finger up in his partner’s face, “Came to good use, did it not? Without it, we’d be dead, yes?”

“ _ Dead? _ Oh, must you be so crude?  _ Untimely discorporation _ , you mean.”

“Whatever floats your ark.” He huffs, sitting up from where he’s been leaned back into the sofa cushions, and flops an obnoxiously long arm over Aziraphale’s shoulders, pulling the angel into his side. “You agreed. Angels can’t break their promises.”

“Unfortunately.”

With a roll of his eyes, Crowley ignores his partner and turns to the camera. “I took the liberty of bringing in… help… for this video. Anathema, come here.”

And then a woman-- a very graceful and gorgeous one, at that-- makes her way onscreen-- although, all women are queens-- and sits beside Crowley, smirking at Aziraphale, who’s gone pale-- if she breathes, though, you might argue, she’s a thot, or something like it-- and crowley is looking downright delighted, more delighted than he has a right to be, Aziraphale would certainly say. 

“This, right here, sitting beside me, gracing us with her benevolent”-a lip curl as he says it, demon he is-”presence, is the lovely Anathem Device, queen among mortals.”

“All women are queens, Crowley.” She reminds him, smiling, and he nods. 

“If she breathes, she’s a thot,” He concedes.

“What’s a thot?” 

A beat of silence passes, in which Anathema ad Crowley exchange a horrified glance; the air is so thick you could feel it through your screen--do you feel it, love?-- and in the soup of it, Aziraphale glances back and forth between his companions- “What?” 

And a giggle slips from Anathema, and then Crowley’s laughing too, and Aziraphale sits back in his seat with a sigh. “I might as well leave-”

“Oh no the fuck you will not, angel.” Crowley curls and arm further around his angel, dragging the squirming man further into him, “Anathema,” He says, eyes still on the angel, “Do you have the stuff?”

“Of course, who do you take me for?”

“The  _ good  _ kush?”

“Please stop saying that.”

“Let me live.” Crowley threw her a glare over Aziraphale’s head, pouting.

Regarding the demon steadily, Anathema intoned, “Then perish.”

\-----

“First: Foundation.” Crowley was sitting in a small room with white walls, leaning towards his partner with a small stick, “Hold still, dear.”

“I don’t like this, not at all.”

“Crybaby” Anathema shrugged, her hands still around the angel’s wrists: there’d been a tussle to get him to stay still. 

“I do what I want.” Aziraphale shot back, sniffing and turning his nose up in the air, drawing a small “Hold still!” from the demon before him.

“This is a good color for his skin,” Crowley muses aloud, dropping the serum onto his cheek, “Good job, Anathema.”

“Thank you, Crowley.”

The angel grumbles and tries to pull a hand from his guard’s grasp to swipe at his face. Anathema grips his harder.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Are we done?” 

“Not even close, angel.”

\-----

“I like the pink-”

“The lilac would look so much better with his skin tone!”

“But Anathema, the pink is so nice, so bold, so… avant garde! It makes a statement!”

“But the lilac just  _ suits  _ him, his skin, his round face, his personality-”

“But the  _ pink- _ ”

Someone cleared their throat. The two turned towards the angel, who looked down sheepishly and muttered, “I quite like the blue.”

Anathema scoffed and rolled her eyes, but Crowley only gave his angel a soft smile, “As you wish.”

\-----

“A little more glitter… done.” Anathema leaned back to admire her handiwork. “Damn. What do you think, Crowley?”

For his part, the demon was silent, staring at Aziraphale, who looked back with wide eyes “Dear? What’s wrong? Is it bad?” 

“It’s not bad. Definitely not bad.” Anathema pointed out, eyes darting between the other two as a smirk grew on her face.

“...Crowley?”

“Not bad.” The demon breathed, “Not bad at all.”

The video cuts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanna be a dipshitter extraordinaire like urs truly? [now you can!](https://discord.gg/eAetgQg)
> 
> anyway have a lovely evening the comments bit will be up soon


	12. Comments #5

**rararararara** _@badromancequeen_

The lewk,,, so good

**can u not???** _@jessicamcqueen_

This anathema chick,,, im lesbeian,, lembisan,,, lebsian,,, 

**GAY RIGHTS** _@shreksaysgayrights_

_ _ mood

**SOUNDCLOUDALBUMOUTNOW** _@mcspider_

how do they stay in character the whole time

**REBECCA** _@its-not-what-it-looks-like_

_ _ im still not convinced it’s an act

**Leslie** _@leslie-NOPE-NOT-TODAY_

_ _ yeah it’s so,,,, natural

**jonah ** _ @jonah-jonahson _

_ _ It has to be an act. There’s just so many weird things mixed in.

**summerlovin** _@summerlovinmclovin_

do u think maybe they’re real actors,,,

**FreakShow ** _ @i-love-freaks-and-geeks _

_ _ nah…. They’re too obviously in love for it to be that. U cant make that shit up

**tardis goes wheeee ** _ @WhRRwngHRRRhRRRHHR _

new otp new otp new otp new otp new otp new otp new otp new otp new otp new otp

** KYLE** _@klye-is-not-an-alien_

Oh my god Y E A H. 

**disk horse ** _ @discorsechild _

_ _ they’re like the embodiment of the friends-to-lovers/ evil goth kid + pure smol bean trope

**shit hurted ** _ @this-shit-hurted _

_ _ 300k words of slowburn and pining coming right up

**shit hurted ** _ @this-shit-hurted _

_ _ GUYS I WAS JOKING BUT I FOUND ACTUAL FANFIC OF THEM OH MY G O D SKSKSKKSKSK

**Diana** _@diana-wild_

_ _ Links or it didn’t happen

**shit hurted **_@this-shit-hurted_

[it's REAL](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20164060/chapters/47771926)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [wanna chat?? ](https://discord.gg/eAetgQg)


	13. Vlog #6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit of a masterpiece, sorry :)

The screen is black for a moment, a dull beeping sound accompanying it, then there’s a shift and Crowley is in front of the screen in a scarf and three piece suit, simultaneously glaring and grinning at the camera. He brandishes a spray bottle at his audience, one hip cocked out to the side. 

“Zira is at the bank,” He starts with a shrug, And I’m bored. More bored than usual, that is. So I’m going to teach you the  _ proper _ way to care for your plants.

“Firstly, you have to buy the right stuff. I use this- the  _ best _ and cheapest spray bottle on the market.” He waves it demonstrably, lazily running a finger down it’s trigger in loving menace. The room is small-- damp, dark, dim, all those things-- and cramped with plants. An abnormally large calatheas sits by his side, and he bats at it to brush it from his hip-- the plant seems to quiver away. 

“You must take an administrative, removed tone when speaking to them. You must make them fear you. They must shae when they hear your name, they must kneel before you; you are their god, their satan, their Mary and their Son. They bow only to you.” He pivots, turning his malevolent, unholy gaze on a weeping scrub of devil’s ivy. It sway in a nonexistent breeze, as if moved by his look. 

“In all things, you must make yourself the enemy. You must make yourself the superior. You must control, not be controlled.”Another dramatic twist, and his gaze falls on a poor potted schlumbergera; the pink petals shake. 

“I’ve perfected the art of plant care. Six thousand years in the making, I can truly and finally say: I’ve mastered it.” He looks wistful, almost on the brink of loving blue tears, but stands up straight once again and narrows his (for once exposed) eyes at a glowering begonia, which immediately loses its petulant attitude in favor of a subservient, leaking aura. 

“That’s what I thought,” Crowley spits, a look of disgust painted on sharp features. “As I was saying: you must show your plants who’s boss. In this case, it’s me. In your case, it’s also me. It’s always me,” His demonic lip curls, “You peasants.” 

There’s the faint sound of a door closing somewhere behind him, and Crowley’s face drains of color. His demeanor shifts immediately to one of panic. “Fuck,” He breathes, and scrambles forward for the camera in desperation. 

“Dear?” Aziraphale’s voice calls from another room, “Are you home? I stopped by this lovely bakery by the water on my way back, and got you those croissants you pretend to hate. Where are you? I-” He appears through a doorway at the left, looking severely pleased with himself, but blinks when he notices Crowley’s slouch. “What’s wrong? Did the plants upset you?”

“No, no, darling. It’s alright.”

“Were you yelling at them again? Oh, I so hate it when you do that, Crowley, it’s so  _ mean. _ They get all fearful and shake and can’t grow right-”

“They grow just  _ fine _ , angel,” Crowley snaps, “And you know it.”

“You went and screwed up a perfectly good plant! Look at them! They’ve got anxiety!”

Crowley only huffs and rolls his eyes, arms crossed over his thin chest. He is, by all standards, pouting, though he’d never deign to admit it. The camera continues to roll. 

“I mean,” Aziraphale sputters, getting quite into it, “This kalanchoe, here, it’s so… deflated and weak and  _ sad _ -”

“But that’s what makes it beautiful!”

“Struggle is not synonymous to beauty, dear.” 

“Oh, shut it with the poetic bullshit, Zira. I’m  _ trying _ ,” A weak gesture towards the camera, “To teach. Let me live.”

“Oh! Were you making a video? Lovely! Hello!” The angel waves enthusiastically at the camera, gleaming, grinning face leaning in, “How are you today? I hope you find yourselves well!”

“For the last time, Aziraphale, you don’t need to have a conversation with the camera-”

“It’s only polite, dear.”

The demon throws his hands up. “Unbelievable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanna be a dipshit? [then this is the place for you!](https://discord.gg/eAetgQg)
> 
> have a lovely night. comment chapter coming soon.


	14. Comments #6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OHHHH AND THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO COMMENTER [AngelicDemon4004](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelicDemon4004/pseuds/AngelicDemon4004)  
lovely idea, babe!!!!

**REBECCA!** _@its-not-whatit-looks-like_

I thot crowley was a top but,,,, but he cowers from zira being upset,,,, sofdt

**jankie ** _ @jankyjanet _

_ _ but,,, his rant about being ALWAYS in control,,, that’s so,,, top-ish

**REBECCA!** _@its-not-what-it-looks-like_

_ _ I mean, yeah, but imagine, aziraphale is the one who wears the pants

**jankie ** _ @jankyjanet _

_ _ eyes emoji…. Aziraphale *did* mention crowley wearing a dress in at least one occasion….

**Angela ** _ @angelamccormick _

_ _ the line “you must be in control, not be controlled”... Poetic.

**discomBOBulated ** _ @bob-schmob _

_ _ Yeah,,,,,, and when zira said “struggle is not synonymous to beauty, dear” … poetic.cinema.jpg

**The Ineffable Channel** _@the-ineffable-channel_

_ _ He says “Thank you. I try. I didn’t seduce the Oscar Wilde fellow for nothing.”

**discomBOBulated ** _ @bob-schmob _

_ _ OH MY GOD U REPLIED IM A:SFdgnjlkhl;sa

**The Ineffable Channel** _@the-ineffable-channel_

_ _ And I oop-

**Lila** _@delilahgill_

Can we talk about the Pose™?

**John. ** _ @johnathanssss6969 _

He had such a nice collection of plants tho,,, his hydrangeas we POPPIN

**Tanathon** _@tanothanotp_

The fact that they’ve obviously had this conversation before is endearing. 

**The Ineffable Channel** _@the-ineffable-channel_

shut your hole, assmouth. 

**Tanothan** _@tanothanotp_

_ _ damn…. Tell me how you /really/ feel

**The Ineffable Channel** _@the-ineffable-channel_

Bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come here, binch uwu](https://discord.gg/CFJfYrS)
> 
> any ideas you have, i'd love to hear!!!! have a nice evening, or else! :)


	15. Vlog #7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im ANGERY TODAY UGH

The video is of an anxious-looking Aziraphale, looking around himself madly like a wild dog. 

“Are you sure about this, Crowley?”

“Sure as I’ve ever been about anything. Or, anything other than you. Just get on with it, angel.”

The screen changes to a black background with the words,  ** _“Forcing an Angel to Fuck With Innocents All Day.”_ **

Back on Aziraphale, the camera shakes as Aziraphale approaches a stranger. 

“Excuse me, miss…” He starts, swallowing dramatically, “But could I have your autograph?”

That gives the woman pause: she blinks at him, opens her mouth, closes it. “What?” She finally settles on.

“I’m your biggest fan,” Aziraphale continues emphatically, “And I would just  _ die _ for your autograph.”

The woman stares at him a while longer, eyebrows furrowing. “Er… alright? Do you have a pen?”

A shift, and then it’s Aziraphale in front of a child. He looks desperate, leaning towards the child. “Dad, is that you?” He asks, and Crowley laughs uncontrollably. The kid hiccups, backing into his mother’s legs. 

“Who the hell are you? Leave my son alone-”

Another shot: Aziraphale skipping and prancing through the city streets, passing confused strangers and laughing, carefree. 

A shot of Aziraphale’s pained face, zooming in closer and closer until it becomes ugly and distorted.

“Sir, are you aware that your fly is down?” The man looks down. His fly is perfectly up. “Fix it, sir. Please. We don’t allow indecency on these streets. Back in my day-”

The shot changes: A man talking loudly and angrily on a cellphone walks across the street in a suit. Aziraphale follows a few paces, too close to be comfortable; the man turns around, face to face. Their noses rush, the man stops talking on his phone (his wife’s voice through the receiver: “Jared, are you there? Don’t you dare ignore me, asshole-”). Aziraphale stares at him for a moment, eyes narrowed in thought before he bows onto one knee and grabs the man’s ugly, hairy hand, bringing it to his lips. 

Once the man has hurried away, Aziraphale turns to the shaking camera and spits on the grass beside him. “Disgusting. Tastes like heterosexuality and pain.”

The camera changes again: this time the sun has risen fully, high in the sky, and they walk a city sidewalk. “ _ Don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious, don’t- don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious-” _ Crowley sings softly behind the camera, hiding a snicker. 

It changes again, to dusk now: Aziraphale is crouched on the sidewalk, diligently spraying disinfectant on the ground and wiping at it with a filthy rag. Each time someone walks by, he shoos them aggressively away: “What do you think you’re doing, my dear boy?! I  _ just _ cleaned that square!”

Another jump: Aziraphale lays flat on his back on a park bench, licking at a lollipop. A man approaches the bench from behind, unknowing of Aziraphale’s presence, eyes focused on his smartphone. He goes to sit, and lands directly on the angel’s crotch. Letting out a yelp, he glances down, meeting eyes with Aziraphale. Silence, and then the angel hold out the sucker: “Want a lick?”

The screen fades to black, the words:  ** _“ ‘Worst day of my life, and I’ve stopped Armeggedon.’ -Aziraphale the Angel”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's short but like i said i am so MAD right now holy FUCK
> 
> anyway come join the fucking server i guess: https://discord.gg/NTNR4WN


	16. Comments #7

**BRUHHHHH** _@do-u-even-surf_

the pained look on his face each time had me dying

**Angelica** _@angelicaanderson03_

Sdjnkfssalfnja that last one i’m nasljdf njgbl

**My Dear Boy** _@mydearboy_

I love aziraphale… so much.

**I LOVE ** _ @BAGELSSSSSSS _

OKAY BUT CROWLEY SINGING DONT BE SUSPICIOUS

**Satin** _@satinandstones_

_ _ Crowley knows memes, confirmed

**I LOVE** _ @BAGELSSSSSS _

_ _ Oh bitch we been knew. 

**hardcandy ** _ @hardcandy21345 _

is no one else gonna talk about the continuous referrals to aziraphale as “angel” or….???

**My Dear Boy** _@mydearboy_

_ _ Because he ISSS AN ANGEL U FOOL 

**hardcandy ** _ @hardcandy _

_ _ Oh u rite u rite

**hardcandy ** _ @hardcandy _

_ _ But seriously… everytime crowley calls him angel i gain like ten years onto my life

**I LOVE** _@BAGELSSSSSSS_

_ _ Big mood

**artful ** _ @artful-fartful _

Aziraphale I-Can’t-Even-Be-Mean-To-Strangers Angelson: “i stopped armeggedon”

**Live** _@ilivetoloveyouboy_

_ _ The rest of us: sure jan

**The Ineffable Channel ** _ @the-ineffable-channel _

_ _ He says to tell you: “I did! With Crowley’s help, of course.”

**Live** _@ilivetoloveyouboy_

_ _ Holy shit you replied. i ‘m gonna go ahead and assume this is crowley???

**The Ineffable Channel ** _ @the-ineffable-channel _

  1. Of course I did. I read every comment you peasants leave 2. Yes, this is they. Zira can’t figure out how to turn on the laptop. I am not going to tell him. 

**Live** _@ilivetoloveyouboy_

_ _ Okay but… “they”... babe what pronouns do u want us to use for you

**The Ineffable Channel ** _ @the-ineffable-channel _

_ _ Gender is an idiotic prison creatd by humans with a need to oppress one another. I am a demon; I am above such things. Fuck your gender binary, and fuck the patriarchy. Any pronouns will suffice. I know when I am being summoned.

**Live** _@ilivetoloveyouboy_

_ _ Oh…kay.

**UNDENIABLY GAY** _@palpable-homoerotic-tensions_

Anyway i love how aziraphale would do this for crowley just cuz he asked.  ** _#ineffablehusbands_ **

**The Ineffable Channel ** _ @the-ineffable-channel _

It took a lot of convincing and some Demonic Wiles, but I live to serve. You’re welcome.

**UNDENIABLY GAY** _@palpable-homoerotic-tensions_

_ _ *DEMONIC WILES???* 

**UNDENIABLY GAY** _@palpable-homoerotic-tensions_

_ _ WHAT’RE THOOOOOOOOOOOSE

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://discord.gg/NTNR4WN
> 
> please leave a comment... they'd really be lovely right about now.


	17. Vlog #8

  
  
  


On screen, in large lettering: "Crowley And Aziraphale Being Idiots When They Think No One's Looking, Part One (of Many)."

And below it, in a smaller font: "Shot by Newton Pulsifer. Edited by Anathema Device."

And below that, in parentheses and even smaller font: "And then re-edited by Anathema Device after Newt looked at the computer weird and the clips all un-edited themselves."

The first clip is a close up of Anathema's face. She is somewhere dark, whispering at the camera: "Please, no one tell either of them I posted this or I'll never hear the end of it. And with the shit they can do, I might, like, die."

Newt leans onscreen. "Wouldn't he see it in his list of posted videos?"

Anathema shushes him and the video changes.

  1. Aziraphale and Crowley are at a table in a bookshop. Sipping tea, the angel looks the pinnacle of elegance, put together and dressed to the nines as he delicately flips a page in the ancient book before him. Across from him, Crowley is sprawled gracelessly over the chair, one arm behind his head and a leg on the table. He wears no socks or shoes.

"My feet are cold." He whines, glaring at his partner. Without looking up from his book, Aziraphale wraps one hand over the other's foot, fingers rubbing gently at Crowley's toes to warm them up. He flips the page of his book silently, while Crowley watches.

  1. They're now laying in the grass in the park, Crowley on his back while Aziraphale’s head pillows on his stomach. One of the demon’s hands cards idly through the angel’s hair, and Aziraphale is humming. 

“Do you think birds can understand what we say?” The angel asks, looking up through his lashes, “Or do we just sound like blubbering idiots to them?”

“You always sound like a blubbering idiot, dear.”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale look scandalized, reaching up with one hand to smack at the other’s chest. Crowley laughs, the sunlight glinting off his shades as he throws his head back. 

The angel stares, blinking, and shifts a little to get a better look; leaning closer, his eyes narrow, his brow furrows, his lips pout up in concentration. 

“What are you doing now?” Crowley asks, equal parts amused and tired, a I-Cannot-Believe-You-Are-Back-On-This-Bullshit sort of sigh coming from his lips. 

“Memorizing you.”

“Dearest, it’s been six thousand years. How have you not memorized me yet? I’ve certainly memorized  _ you. _ ” He winks, for good measure; Aziraphale flushes. 

“You just keep surprising me, is all.” 

“Good.” They return to silence. 

  1. The clip is of Anathema talking about a spell to the camera on her own Youtube channel; Aziraphale and Crowley can be spotted behind her, bickering. Slowly, the camera shifts away from the still-talking Anathema and towards the pair, zooming in. 

The sound of her voice is drowned out as the Mii theme begins to play, bass-boosted and pounding. The notes shift up; Crowley glares at the angel and reaches out to adjust his bowtie moodily. 

Another swing of the violins: Azirapale leans on his tiptoes to pull Crowley’s glasses off, to make a point presumably, a petulant look aimed at the other. Crowley puts a hand on the top of Aziraphale’s head and pushes him back down to his normal height. 

The theme continues: With his nose upturned, Crowley pokes Aziraphale’s soft stomach; in turn the angel sticks his tongue out. 

So it goes.

  1. “Is this whiskey or perfume?” The angel asks, crinkling his nose. 

“Dunno. Give it here.” Aziraphale does, and without hesitation, the other brings it to his lip and drinks deeply. Eyes wide, the angel watches as the liquid disappears through a few drawn moments. And then, with a sigh of quenched thirst, the empty bottle comes down; Crowley looks at him. “It’s perfume.”

  1. Newt is standing beside a wooden door, looking nervous. From inside, there’s an enthusiastic creaking. 

_ “Harder-” _ Someone says from inside, and Newt’s mouth drops open. 

“‘Thema, I don’t want to do this… They’re probably doing… you know, something… er,  _ private _ .” He flushes, chewing his lip anxiously. 

“Just open the damn door, coward.”

“Don’t call me a coward-” Anathema surges forward, camera moving with her, and snatches the handle, twisting it open and shoving her body weight against it. 

Inside, the windows wide open behind them, Crowley and Aziraphale are jumping on the bed with vigor, laughing. The demon’s head is thrown all the way back, his mouth wide and forked tongue sticking out as he all but cackles with abandon, eyes closed and crinkling at the corners, nose crushed up by this smile. Aziraphale, bouncing just as gracefully but with much more refinement, has his eyes wide open as he giggles, watching Crowley intently. 

“You have to jump harder, angel, otherwise we’re never going to break my new mattress in-” The demon is saying, and Aziraphale blinks out of his stupor, looking down, flushed the slightest. 

“Right, right.” 

Anathema slams the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [talk to me?](https://discord.gg/Fax2rnU)


	18. Comments #8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to avery!!!!!! love that funky little mans, my devoted worshiper dork

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

The way Aziraphale looks at Crowley when he laughs…. That shit slaps. 

**Anathema Device** _@anathemadeviceofficial_

It always happens. Every. Single. Time. I just happened to get these few on camera. 

**RICH MAN** _@babyurarichman_

Newt looked so Shook in that last one,,, mans really feared for his life

**good graces** _@ingodsgoodgraces_

They’re so soft with one another without even realizing it,,, i’m SCREAMING

**Avery ** _ @fuckyouwu _

I KNOW. that’s my SHIT

**Anathema Device** _@anathemadeviceofficial_

All this, and yet they still insist they’re just “mere acquaintances”. Pfft. As  _ if. _

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

Wait exCUSE ME???

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

_ _ Not even friends??? They won’t even admit they’re friends??? WHAT THE FUCK???? “MERE ACQUAINTANCES” DONT START YOUTUBE CHANNELS TOGETHER

**Anathema Device** _@anathemadeviceofficial_

_ _ It’s a whole thing. They don’t want their bosses to know they even know each other’s names. But they know each other a lot better than that, if you catch my drift. 

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

djfgnkojs;klpafkmgdnskdn 

**MonkeyBrianDaily** _@monkeybraindaily_

_ _ But… there’s so much UST????

**Anathema Device** _@anathemadeviceofficial_

_ _ “UST”?

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

_ _ Unresolved Sexual Tension

**Anathema Device** _@anathemadeviceofficial_

_ _ Oh, I see. Most definitely. It’s almost unbearable to be in the room with them. Either of them; the other is all each of them will talk about, it’s ridiculous.

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

_ _ Dsko’fg;kdlpakos;d im gonna scream

** Bedroom Thots** _@bedroomthots_

They’re such absolute idiots im-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [yell at me daddy](https://discord.gg/vSWEE9S)


	19. Vlog #9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda long whoops. But it's got tea,,,, enjoy

Crowley and Aziraphale sit side by side in front of a wide brown desk strewn with open books and overturned coffee mugs. 

“Is it on?”

“Yes, angel, it’s on.”

Aziraphale brightens. “Oh, well, hello, YouTube! I hope you’re all doing lovely today!”

Crowley, for his part, huffs, slinking lower in his chair.

“Today we’ll be reading comments and ‘tweetings’” He waves two fingers in confused air quotes, “About us! Isn’t that a fantastic idea? It was Crowley’s, afterall. He’s so clever.”

THe demon in question flushes at the praise but rolls his eyes nonetheless. “We’re only doing this because  _ someone _ left the computer open where Anathema could get her grubby paws on it and post footage of us, right under our noses!  _ Our _ noses! We stopped the bloody apocalypse, for Hell’s sake!”

“Heavens sakes. And I didn’t mean to, dear-”

“Aziraphale, you left it  _ on her bed.” _

“But I was showing her a video of a cat! It was just  _ darling _ , Crowley, ou have to see it.” At Crowley’s affronted pout, Aziraphale deflates. “Oh, whatever, you wouldn’t want to see it anyways, you wily old snake, you.”

Crowley cuts him an unamused glare, and Aziraphale flops backwards in his seat. His arms come up to hug his stomach and he lowers his lashes comically, fixing the demon with pouting eyes. “Please don’t be mad at me, dear.”

A quiet moment, and then Crowley sits up straighter, snatching the angel’s hand rather aggressively with the most dramatic of sighs, “Fuck you. I never could be mad at you anyways. Bastard.”

“Softie,” Aziraphale shoot back, but he looks immensely happier, posture fixed once again. “As I was saying, YouTube, we’re going to be reading what you all have to say about us. Isn’t that exciting?” He shuffles around on the desk behind him and produces a stack of notecards. Meticulous handwriting covers them, flowing swoops and curls. “‘Thema picked ‘em out for us, isn’t she the sweetest?”

“No, she isn’t, she’s evil.” Crowley butts in, “And I would know! I’m a demon fo fucking Hell.”

“You are awfully terrible at it though.”Aziraphale’s tone is reasonable, debating, but the demon looks disgusted all the same. “Oh, come on, love. You must admit, you  _ are _ actually very sweet when it comes down to it.”

“Am  _ not. _ ”

“Are so.” The angel looks smug as he shuffles the cards, as if this is an argument they’ve had before and which he’s always won. 

“Am  _ not, _ angel!” It comes out childish, a whine, and Aziraphale smiles at the notecards. 

“If you say so, my dear boy. Anyways! Here’s the first one. It is from one Ashline Nickerson on ‘Tweeter.’ She says,  _ okay but Aziraphale is so funny. y’all are really sleeping on a king here _ .” The angel gasps and beams up at Crowley. “Did you hear that, love? They think I’m funny!”

Crowley blinks at his partner, eyes darting across his face, then shrugs and snatches a card from the anger with one hand; he still holds onto Aziraphale with the other.

“ _ Aziraphale’s got a nice ass tho, ngl. I’d smash.” _ He reads, then snorts. 

“What does he mean by that?”

“It  _ means _ , dear, that he wants to fuck you.”

The angel sputters. “H-He wants to.. To  _ what me? _ ”

“To fuck you. You know,” Crowley makes an obscene gesture with one hand. “Like in Rome.”

Aziraphale’s jaw drops open. Crowley only laughs harder, dropping the card on the floor to grab another. “Diego from Montreal says,  _ get u a bro who looks at you the way crowley looks at zira…. No homo but that’s pretty gay lmao. _ ‘Lmao’? What the bloody heavens does that mean?”

“La Mayo…. Spanish, maybe?” Aziraphale muses. 

“Could be. Your turn.”

“Alright then.  _ Opinion, _ says Briana from California on Tumblr, _ Aziraphale has bde. _ ” The angel looks up at the camera. “I’d say I do, but I’m not sure.”

Crowley blinks. “Angel, how do you know what bde means?”

“Anathema’s been teaching me.”

“That bitch-”

“Crowley! All women are queens-”

The camera cuts to them in front of the same desk, but it is dark outside through the window behind them now. Aziraphale holds up a card.    
“Jessica says,  _ I still want to know who’s the top in this relationship.  _ Relationship? What relationship? Crowley and I are mere workplace associates, we do not know each other in any other way, especially in any way you are insinuating, Jessica, so just jot that the fuck down-” He stops, throwing a hand over his mouth, looking thouroughly scandalized. 

Beside him, Crowley picks up on it too. “I thought you didn’t say the fuck word, dear?”

“It just slipped out. Oh, I do hope She can forgive me for that one.”

“She will, dear. She owes you one. And to answer your question,  _ Jessica _ ,” He draws the name out, then pauses dramatically, smirking at the camera. “Actually, I’ll leave that one to your imaginations.”

“No! There’s no canoodling happening here, only friendly associateship-” The angel continues to protest weakly, while Crowley just laughs, a mumbled, “ _ ‘Canoodling? Really?” _ slipping out incredulously as he grabs the next card.

“ _ Does Aziraphale know memes? _ Asks Sam from New Haven. He knows some of them. I’m not really sure which ones though, which is the scariest part. He said, ‘and I oop’ yesterday when he dropped his macaroons. Of course, he then proceeded to whine and cry over it until I miracled it better-- I really don’t see why you can’t do that yourself, darling. We can do all the same things.”

“I just like it when you take care of me.” Aziraphale shrugs. “Reminds me how soft you are.” Ignoring Crowley’s shock, he selected another, then paused. “I’m really thirsty. Dear will you get me some tea? Fresh stuff?”

Crowley huffs, but stands and leaves the room with a grumble. 

“See what I mean? A softie. I love that about him. Right then.” He flips the card over and squints at it. “Sorry, dears, I don’t have my reading glasses on. Crowley calls me an old man for having bifocals. Slithering bastard. Amy Santiago from the New York Police Department asks,  _ I love their dynamic… reminds me of me and my husband. We used to be partners on the squad until we got it together. I wonder if these two have? _ Have what, Amy Santiago of the New York Police Department, dear? Gotten it together? Whatever do you mean? … Oh there’s a reply attached! Jake Peraltiago says,  _ These two are definitely married, Amy… cant you read between the lines? _ And then in parentheses,  _ title of your sex tape _ .”

Aziraphale puts the card down, looking at the camera with glazed eyes. He is silent for a moment, the only sound being the ticking clock behind him, then shuffles through the cards a bit, stopping every few moments to stare blankly somewhere to his right. It goes on a few minutes, until at length, Crowley comes back with a tea in one hand and a whiskey in the other. 

“What’s wrong, angel?” He asks as he hands over the tea and flops into his abandoned seat. ‘You look like She herself just spat in your ear.” He sips his whiskey with raised brow.

Aziraphale starts, looking over at his partner guiltily, almost shiftily. 

“... Crowley.” He says slowly, “Were you aware that the Internet thinks we are… well,” He casts a nervous glance to each side, then upwards, where he lingers, eyes wild, before looking back at the other, his voice a mere whisper:  _ “married? _ ”

….

Crowley lets out a chuckle. “Angel, we  _ are  _ married?” 

Aziraphale’s jaw drops open in disbelief. Crowley sends one look his way before straightening and sobering up, eyes narrowed. “You seem surprised.”

“... why didn’t you tell me we were married?!”

“Did you think I just  _ gave _ you the eiffel tower for no reason? Really, angel, I might be nice, but I’m not  _ that _ nice-”

“You never said-”

“I shouldn’t of had to!”

“Crowley, for the love of fu-”

The video cuts out.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erm I've mentioned discord before, yes??? I'm not on my laptop so I'm not bouts go thru the hassle of linking it but if u wanna join the link is in every other chapter so.
> 
> HAVE A LOVELY DAY BEECH


	20. Comments #9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments are short but I'd love to see YOUR comments to make up for it uwuwuwuwu

  
  


**bessica ** _ @bessicamarbline _

O,,, oh.

**DIEGO** _@diegohasrights_

_ _ mood

**Jack** _@jackson_overland_frost_

  1. Aziraphale says the fuck word???? 2) Crowley being a softie for Zira, i LIVEEEE 3) uhhh HELLO??? THEY WERE MARRIED THIS WHOLE TIME??? “MERE ACQUAINTANCES” MY ASS!!! And what was that bullshit about GIVING the eiffel tower???? IS THIS STILL PART FOR THEIR WEIRD ACT?? THOSE FUNKY CHARACTERS??? DEMON-ASS FUCKER AND BASTARD ANGEL MANS???? HELLO??? I’m gonna-

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

_ _ Jack??? Gonna what???? HELLO???

**Jack** _@jackson_overland_frost_

_ _ Character limit lmao. But seriously, HELLO???? America explain

**Avery** _@fuckyouwu_

_ _ you dont usually use all caps u must really be worked up

**Jack** _@jackson_overland_frost_

_ _ Did you just use both you and u in a sentence?? Cursed.

**Call Me Wade** _@D-Pool™™™™_

_ _ blocked and reported lmao

**Me x a healthy diet ** _ @ishipit23 _

Crowley drinking whiskey in the middle of the day is a wholeass mood. Also i’m Shook

**dishsoap** _@dishsoapbitch_

Anathema def did all this on purpose… we stan a chaotic queen…. She stands with us

**The Ineffable Channel** _@theineffablechannel_

“Us”?

**Dishsoap** _@dishsoapbitch_

_ _ The ineffable shippers, of course

**The Ineffable Channel ** _ @theineffablechannel _

_ _ Ah. I see.

**Heart Of iron** _@loveu30000000_

Press F to pay crowley respects

**John W. ** _ @jonathanw01 _

F

**Brent ** _ @nrentmckent96 _

_ _ f

**SOUNDCLOUD ALBUM OUT NOW ** _ @mc-spider _

_ _ fffff

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discord link is two chapters back uwu
> 
> Have a lovely day BEECH
> 
> And comment please!!!!! I read all of them and they make my shitty day!!!!!


	21. Vlog #10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya!!! im back!!!! sorry it's been such a hot minute, i've been working forty hours weeks while still going to high school it's a Lot but im thriving uwu

“Hello, YouTube.” Aziraphale is on a plush blue sofa, sipping tea. He looks the same as always, if not more chipper than usual. The only thing out of place was the pale green snake wrapped lovingly around his neck. 

“I’m very sorry that we were away this past week. We went on a little trip to Paris. I ate so many macarons, I swear I was back in Heaven.” He smiles. “And Crowley was so attentive, so gentle. Goodness, I do adore that bastard.” He’s quiet a moment, breathing a little dazed sigh, before he perks back up as if remembering the camera was there. “Anyways, today it’s just me. Crowley was a little tuckered out, so he’s going to rest until he’s feeling better.” One hand rubs gently across the snake’s thin skull as he says it. 

“I have seen so many videos on YouTube of people playing with goo. So today I will be making slime! Isn’t that exciting?

“I didn’t think to look up a recipe beforehand, so let’s just pray to Her that it all turns out alright, shall we?”

Aziraphale rifles around in a plastic bag by his feet, pulling out various things: shaving cream, baking soda, water, saline solution, and a bottle of glue as large as his torso. He looks sheepishly at the camera, "It was the only size I could get my hands on," and puts the bag away. The snake hisses something that sounds suspiciously like, "That's what he said," to which Aziraphale glares at it.

Once the ingredients are out, Aziraphale goes about setting his bowls in size-order, shifting the bottles and such around until he is satisfied it’s all just right. “Did you know, dear,” He addresses the snake as he moves the shaving cream to one side, blinks at it, then moves it to the other, “that someone called us ‘demon-ass fucker’ and ‘bastard angel mans’ in the comments last week? Anathema showed me. Quite funny, I say.” The way he says it, you would not think he found it funny at all. 

The snake hisses a laugh. Or, at least, it  _ sounds _ like a laugh.

Aziraphale moves on. “Shaving cream is just horrid, isn’t it?” He shakes some into the bowl, missing and hitting the rim. A snap of his fingers, and it’s miraculously in a swirl at the center, a perfect dollop, “Never had to use it myself; angels don’t grow hair, and if I did, for some dishonorable reason, grow facial hair, I’d just wish it away. I don’t know why the humans don’t just try that.” He pauses, eying the shaving cream goop, then goes on: “I remember Crowley’s mustache in the sixties… it was awful. Just awful.” 

The snake writes angrily around his neck, and he chuckles nervously. 

“Sorry, dear.” He says quickly, grabbing at the bottle of saline solution. He pops the top off, looking unnerved, and after a mere moment of hesitation, upends the entire bottle into the bowl. 

There’s a soft  _ glug _ as the contents of the bottle drip into the shaving cream. 

“I don’t think I’m doing this right.” He muses, the baking powder sliding silently into his hand of its own accord. Not bothering with a spoon, he dumps half the package. Powder flies everywhere, coating his front and the angry snake; it hisses, and Aziraphale turns to it immediately, wiping gently at its nostrils. 

“Sorry, dear, so sorry,” He blinks; the dust dissipates without a trace, “Better?”

The snake hisses, curling into his collar.

Next is the water; barely a splash in comparison to the huge sizzling mess taking up residence in the bowl. 

“Last but not least, glue!” The cap is screwed off, the bottle lifted, “When I was back in Heaven, it was my favorite snack- and I oop!” The glue is everywhere, “My ‘B’, as they say. Do they still say that? Am I still a cool kid? A real rabble rouser?” There is glue on the table, oozing to the floor, “You know, I was a real troublemaker, back in my day. Did my fair share of bad deeds, more than an angel really  _ should _ have done, but don’t let Upstairs know or it’ll be my head! I  _ did _ almost lose my head, once-” His shoes, kept immaculate all these years, stick to the floor, a squelching mess, “-But Crowley got me out of it. He always does. Don’t you, dear?” He seems to be addressing the snake, which only lets out a purr. Snakes, contrary to popular belief, often do purr, only when amused or asleep. This snake is both. 

“Oh, what a mess.” He snaps his fingers. Perfect, pink slime sits in the bowl. “Much better. Thank you all for watching. I hope you have a lovely day, and your children are blessed, your children’s children are blessed, your children’s children’s children-”

The video cuts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [join the discord and talk to me and my horde!!!](https://discord.gg/pgSyURj)
> 
> hey that rhymed


	22. Comment #10

  
  


**lonc mans ** _ @lokisnekmans _

How is aziraphale so chaotic,,,

**Disaster Lesbean ** _ @lesterlikesgirlssss _

How the Fuck did that turn into that Gorgeous slime??? What the FUck?

**glaringly gae ** _ @glaringlygayyyy _

_ _ I KNOW?? IT WAS SUCH A MESS?? I’M/?? AMERICA EXPLAIN

**hey there delilah** _@delilah-stevensons_

His monologue game,,,, legendary.

**BINCHY** _@binchygrinchywitch_

YEAH BUT THE SNAKE??? Where did it COME FROM?????

**The Ineffable Channel** _@theineffablechannel_

_ _ Rude. How would you feel i I asked  _ you _ where you came from?

** BINCHY** _@binchygrinchywitch_

understandable have a nice day

**LIVE BLOGGING** _@liveblogging_

_ _ wait wait but she has a point-

**The Ineffable Channel** _@theineffablechannel_

_ _ I Came From Hell.

**LIVE BLOGGING** _@liveblogging_

_ _ a,, am i speaking to the snake,,,?

**The Ineffable Channel** _@theineffablechannel_

_ _ Yes, this is she. 

**LIVE BLOGGING** _@liveblogging_

_ _ o,,,oh.

**Michael** _@time-for-my-illusions_

The chaotic energy coming from this video… unbearable and unmatched. Thank you.

**FlowSlimes** _@flowslimes_

As a professional slime maker, a legit slime business…. I am. Confused. None of these ingredients should make that slime. In fact, this isn’t a real recipe… he was doing it all wrong… so wrong…

**The Ineffable Channel** _@theineffablechannel_

“I Do What I Want.” -Aziraphale.

**FlowSlimes** _@flowslimes_

King.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. join the [discord!!](https://discord.gg/pgSyURj)
> 
> 2\. [flowslimes](https://flowslimes.com/) is an actual business run by a lovely dude named eston at my school, and i would recommend checking it out uwu


	23. Conspiracy #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so much effort i'm so proud lmao
> 
> also, i'm not saying that the conspiracist in this chapter is shane dawson.... but it's shane dawson.

“...In conclusion, Mothman could top me and I’d thank him. Alright, our next theory is a fairly new one, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve seen these faces drifting around Twitter recently. 

“A few months ago, a channel popped up on YouTube called ‘The Ineffable Channel’. It’s run by two men, Aziraphale and Crowley. Aziraphale is obsessed with books and all things soft and lovely, while Crowley is his emo counterpart. 

Despite having odd names, at first everything seemed normal, nothing really out of the blue. 

“Except…. They keep saying a lot of weird things, spiced in here or there. 

“Firstly, there’s Crowley’s tendencies to call Aziraphale, ‘Angel.’ Now, this  _ could _ just be a cute nickname-- they are, apparently, married, unbeknownst to Aziraphale. And in return, Zira often refers to Crowley as a ‘wily old snake’. That’s a strange nickname for your husband, but I’m not one to judge. 

“This could be taken at face value, that these two lovebirds just have some inside jokes going, but I’d like to look deeper. On multiple occasions, Aziraphale has said something along the lines of, ‘How could I an angel of Heaven-’ after Crowley proposes something nefarious or nasty. Crowley even, in one video, says, ‘Did you, an angel of Heaven, just say a bad word?’ 

“This could, again, just be an extension of the joke, but something in my gut tells me otherwise. Aziraphale refers to a ‘superior’ named Gabriel, perhaps a reference to the Archangel Gabriel. The Archangel  _ fucking _ Gabriel, guys.

“Now, Crowley also mentions he’s a demon. Perhaps this is just the apparent memester in him, which he has proven time and time again-- most memorably the infamous, ‘All women are queens!’

“My theory is that he is, in fact, a demon, and Aziraphale is, in fact, an angel. This would explain a cryptic comment their good friend and frequent guest Anathema Device left on a video she posted of them: ‘They don’t want their bosses to know they even know each other’s names.’ Aziraphale  _ does _ often insist they are mere acquaintances, or don’t know each other at all, usually accompanied with a fearful look upwards, where his apparent superiors reside. 

“On top of that, Crowley and Aziraphale are often saying someone-- who, by the way, Aziraphale only refers to as ‘the humans,’ never ‘people’, another suspicious sign-- is either ‘yours’ or ‘ours’, which I’m taking the liberty of assuming means evil or good.

“If this doesn’t convince you, then I have another line of thinking to present you: they both repeatedly let slip that they have known one another six thousand years, apparently to the chagrin of their higher-ups. Get it? Because the authority an angel would answer to is above? I’m honestly underappreciated in my time.

“Anyway, they apparently have known each other quite a while. In one moment, captured by the lovely Anathema, Crowley says he’s spent the last six thousand years memorizing Aziraphale (aw), and Aziraphale reciprocates, adding fondly that the demon keeps on surprising him (awww).

“Historical references are sprinkled in too, like Aziraphale insinuating that he got with not only Oscar Wilde, but Ernest Hemingway as well.  _ Ernest Hemingway _ . And  _ apparently _ , Crowley fucked Beethoven. I am, as they say, sister shook.

“In their very first video, now number eight on YouTube trending, Aziraphale is showing off his books, all first editions, and lets slip that he saved some of them from the burning of the library of Alexandria. That happened in 48 BC. That’s a long time ago, folks. A long,  _ long _ time.

“There are of course, many details I could include here, like Crowley’s snake eyes, the strange imagery he displays when he thinks Aziraphale isn’t looking, the odd snapping they both do, seemingly causing miracles to happen of their own volition-- it just doesn’t add up. There has to be something  _ more _ here.

“Commenters like @jonahjonahson and @andioopsksksksk, nicknamed ‘Bessie’-- fuck you, Bessie, for making me say that. Fuck you dearly-- have proposed that it’s all just a carefully laid-out act. If that’s the truth, the both of them are  _ fantastic _ actors. 

“But I don’t buy it. You just can’t fake the sincerity Aziraphale speaks with, or the fond way Crowley watches his partner. That shit’s real as rain. 

“Do you believe it? Are two ethereal beings passing the current millenium on a Youtube channel, watched by millions, in plain sight? Comment below and let me know if you believe! And as always, like and subscribe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i write it right? I haven't seen many of his videos yet but i'm making my way thru them lmao.


	24. Vlog #11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those of you who haven't been to an american shopping mall, this may be confusing lmao

“Hello again! We’re back! And Crowley decided to join us in human form this time, what a gift!”

“I cannot tell if you are being sarcastic, angel.”

“Of course not.”

Crowley doesn’t look convinced, but shrugs, looking back at the camera. “I’m back,” He says flatly. “Can I get a ‘Wa-hoo’?” The way he says it, you would not think he’d actually like a Wa-hoo. Maybe a yippee, but that’s a whole other story. 

“It’s his turn to pick what we do,” ziraphale explains to the camera, “And so we are going shopping again. He’s taking me to the mall.” He doesn’t seem too upset about it this time, glaincing side-eyed at the other in an uncharacteristically devilish way, “You know what they have at malls, dear?”

“Mm.”

“ _ Boba.”  _

“Oh, come on. We are not doing this again, angel.”

“I am  _ determined _ to make you see the light, Crowley. Boba is delicious.”

“They put little rocks in your food!”

“It’s not  _ rocks _ , it’s jelly-”

“That’s even worse!”

“How is that-”

The video switches to the two of them outside a shopping mall. It is inapparent who is holding the camera, but whoever it is follows them through the glass doors and into the air conditioning obediently. 

“Oi! Adam, get this part on video.” The camera hurries towards the window, grumbling, “I’m not a dog, Mr Crowley.” Behind the glass is a fake nativity scene. 

“This is… all wrong.” Aziraphale is saying, nose pressed to the glass, Jesus wasn’t  _ white, _ and why are they all just watching? They weren’t watching! And besides, childbirth is disgusting.” His eyes scrunch shut in disgust.

“I would have thought that as an angel, you’d be all for that sort of thing.” 

“Vaginas aren’t my favorite on a good day, and even worse when they’re… like  _ that. _ ” He shudders in mock(?) disgust.

“I think it’s quite nice-”    
“No one asked what you thought, Adam.”

“Crowley! Be nice, dear, he’s just a child.”

“No I’m not! I’m perfectly grown-up, thank you very much. Eleven entire years! I have my own gang and everything!”

“Oh yeah, those guys. Where are the Them anyway?” Crowley muses, pushing onward, long legs flopping across the tiles loudly. They seem to move fluidly, almost as if his feet were slithering across the floor, never off the ground.

“Pepper has homework, so the other two didn’t feel like coming.”

“Seems like Pepper is the leader of your gang then, little man.”

“She’s not. She’s just… a tad bossy.”

Aziraphale snorts. “I’d say.”

“Pepper reminds me of Her,” Crowley says aloud, pausing to lean over one of the gumball machines. He snaps his fingers together, and a perfect blue ball rolls out the dispenser. He passes it to Adam wordlessly; chewing sounds ensue behind the camera.

“Oh, let’s go in there!”

“ _ Claire’s? _ I don’t think so, angel.”

“My dad never let me go in there,” Adam says; there’s a pop as he blows a bubble, “Said it’s for girls.”

Aziraphale’s brow wrinkles. “Why’s that?”   
“Dunno. I say, you know what I say?” Pop. “I say, boy should be allowed to wear pink and glitter if they like. Don’t you think so, Mister Aziraphale?”

“Most certainly.”

“You’re right, but we’re still not going in there. It’s my video, and I say no.”

“ _ Our _ video, dear. And Adam’s.”

“But I get to choose, and I choose not to go there.” Before the angel can protest, Crowley’s latched lanky fingers onto his sleeve and is dragging him in the opposite direction. “Let’s go here. ‘Spencer’s.’ Looks promising.”

It is not, in fact, promising: it is dim and dank, and smells strongly of cologne and an earthy smell Aziraphale cannot name, but knows well; graffiti-style lettering announces discounts on bongs and all the employees are pierced and wear black clothing. Crowley blends in just fine. 

“Don’t you think we shouldn’t be bringing Adam to a place like this?”

“I think this is the  _ perfect _ place for children. Why not? He needs an education somewhere.” Crowley grins one of his demon grins.Aziraphale swallows. 

“What’s this do?” Adam pokes at something long and rounded, with two bulbs at one end. The demon laughs, while Aziraphale chokes on his own spit. 

“They sell these things at the  _ mall _ ? Adam, get away from that!”

“What is it though?” On camera, a small hand reaches out to pokes at it again, wrapping around it, and Aziraphale swats it away. 

“Crowley,” He hisses, “Let’s get out of here. It freaks me out.”

“But this is the fun store! Look, they even have those Doctor Who things you love so much-”

“I don’t care! We hae a  _ child _ with us-” His look is pleading, his voice a whine.

“‘M not a child-”

“Fine, fine, angel. Let’s go to cinnabon.

The video cuts to Aziraphale and Crowley eating cinnamon buns with a small boy. 

“These are good cinnamon buns,” The boy says, “But what  _ was _ that thing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	25. Comments #11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEHEh

  
  


**#1 Crowley Stan ** _ @crowleyplssteponme _

They brought a child,,, into a store that sells bongs and dildos,,,, wh,,

** mcDonald had a Farm** _@oldmcdonaldsss_

_ _ chaotic kings

**Good Tidings ** _ @goodtidings _

Okay but they’re like good cop bad cop with the kid

**Damn™ ** _ @damntm _

_ _ or like that one parent who gives u whatever u want and the parent that like. actually does the parenting.

**Marie** _@mariechocolatecake_

_ _ Oh TRU THO

**hello?** _@helloit’spatrick_

Aziraphale being indignant about the nativity scene being wrong is everything I needed. He’s so cute when he’s mad.

**Disco Dick** _@discoballs_

where did they get. an eleven year old child.?

**Diamond** _@pinkdiamondspearl_

Who is adam and where did crowley get him

**Lemonade** _@lemonadestandz_

Who’s kid. Is that? 

**KAREN** _@karenrock_

Who’s mans is this?? Come get ur mans???

**REBECCA** _@itsnotwhatitlookslike_

crowley’s smug look at the end, when adam ask about the dildo…. Poetic cinema.jpg

**Hot dog ** _ @sittigninthefog _

Imagine aziraphale in the claire’s,,, so soft… angel mans

** Christian** _@goodchristianminecraft_

kinda disappointed they didn’t go in

**The Ineffable Channel ** _ @theineffablechannel _

Then Suffer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [talk to me](https://discord.gg/eAetgQg)

**Author's Note:**

> have a lovely day, and leave a lovely comment while ur at it!
> 
> the poor can't go hungry if they're eating the rich.


End file.
